I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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