i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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