Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
