Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
3 2 1 whiskey
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
