Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
