Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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