We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
