Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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