Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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