they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
