I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
