After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
