On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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