either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
