So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
