I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
