remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
