woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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