Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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