Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
