Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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