You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
