8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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