Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
