so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
