she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
