I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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