Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
