Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
