Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
