There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize