She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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