i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
of course. lets lasso hookers.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I need a beard to bite.
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