Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
