my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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