i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
