Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
