her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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