I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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