Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
