i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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