So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
