I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
