we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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