ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
