i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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