After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
