low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize