I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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