coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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