she peed on how many people?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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