I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
