I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
