im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
