and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
